Irks, Crotchets & Peeves

Misuse of words, e.g., “Redacted” as in: “The final report was redacted to remove all . . . ”  The “redactions” are those portions struck out with a black marker.  The use of “redact” in this instance is wrong.  The correct word for what was done is “censored”.  “Redaction is the process of committing something to writing.  “Censoring” is the process of removing photos and text so others cannot see them.  Another hashed-up word is “ask”.  When spoken in a strange and barely comprehensible dialect, it comes out as “axe”.  Yet another is the use of “tarmack” to identify the thing onto which airplanes park.  However, “Tarmack” is the brand name of a bituminous paving material.  The structure where airplanes parks is called “the apron” and is almost always made of concrete (don’t believe me?  Go to:

Shit britches.  I’ve carped about these before, but the carping needs to be repeated.  An affectation of young, lower class males, they are voluminous, baggy, and hang so low on the hips it make the wearer look like he’s got ten pounds of dung in the seat.   Like a woman’s Peddle-Pushers, these britches are cut off just below the calf.  More often than not, the wearer is obese.

Nose picking in public.  True, we all pick our noses from time to time.  And some of us go on the eat the pickings.  Well, to each his own, I always say.  But for heaven’s sake, pull down the shades or go into a dark room.  Do not let others see you doing it.  And never, NEVER do it in a restaurant.

School.  This is a place designed to heap praise and adoration on five percent of the pupils ( the “A” students) while heaping opprobrium, censure and derision on the other ninety-five.  It is, for most, an unpleasant place, for never once in their careers as pupils will most ever be able to say, “Wow.  I’m on the top of the heap”.

Ill-mannered children.  If they persist in screeching and hollering, stuff dry biscuits in their mouths; it’ll take a good five minutes for the kid to get the biscuit down.  For kids who like to damage other people’s property, put them in harness and leash.  Be sure to get a harness that has restraints on the front to secure the hands so the little pests can’t grab anything.

Harley-Davidson motorcycles.  With few exceptions, the owner/operators of these things are oafs.  They remove the engine mufflers so the damned things make as much noise as having a jackhammer in your ear.  The police should confiscate all un-muffled Harley-Davidsons.

Tattoos, tongue studs, nipple rings, etc.  The trademarks of imbeciles.

Chickens.  Never, never in a residential neighborhood — they are ridden with bugs, attract vermin, spread contagion and they stink.

Barking dogs.  They have an operation to “de-bark” dogs.  People should make more use of it.

Neckties.  What can one say?  They are not only useless, but they are uncommonly uncomfortable.  Back in the Dark Ages, they were given to guests at state dinners to be used as napkins and to catch slobbered food.  They also sufficed as hankies too, I might note.

The business suit.  On a ninety-degree day, men can be seen wearing these things out-of-doors.  Good lord, why?  They make you sweat, they itch, the shirts are usually long-sleeved and buttoned at the cuff.  Personally, I think the business suit’s main function it to hide the wearers’ sloping shoulders, stick-like limbs, pendulous bellies and wide, fleshy rumps.  Any man with a half-way decent bod will wear tank tops and 501s.

Shaved heads.  A shaved head says to all: “Hey everybody, look at me.  I’m an asshole!”

Managers who force their telephone receptionists to say things like: “Good morning my name is Jill thank you for calling Phartsmell, Brownlick and Ickyfingers, attorneys for the downtrodden.  How may I direct your call?”  What’s wrong with a simple “Hello” Or perhaps, “Speak”.

Clerks in fast-food joints who, when you order milk, hand you a jug of chocolate  milk.  If I wanted chocolate milk I would have ordered chocolate milk.


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