The REAL Christmas Story

28 November 2014

Re-published, by popular demand


Don’t you wonder how the Christmas story would be told today?  Gone would be the stilted and droning prose of yore and in its place, a new, hip vernacular. It might go something like this.

Way back when, The Man wanted to screw-over everyone by laying a 1040 on them.  Part of the deal was everyone had to hoof it back to Granny’s place so some hump could put the bite on them.  Two such folks were Joe and his young squeeze, Mary.  Mary had a bun in the oven and it wasn’t Joe’s, so the trip was going to be a profound drag.

Well, when they got to town, Mary was ready to hatch so they tried to find a flop. No such luck; with folks pouring into town, getting a room there in Bethlehem was like trying to get a room in Green Bay during the Superbowl.

After knocking on every door in town, some old fart running the local rent-a-barn soaked them good for a spot where they could snore with the horses. Problem was, Mary was about to hatch.  She dropped the kid, wrapped him in a blanket and put him in a horse trough.  Then she and Joe hit the hay.

While all this was going on, some guys were hanging out in a field, looking after some sheep. They were laying around noshing, talking trash and looking at the stars when a strange looking dude started floating around in the sky.  “Whoa! I told ya you put too much poppy in that pipe!” said one.

“Dudes!  Chill!” said the floating guy, “Don’t get your drawers in a bunch, OK?  I’m not here to sweat you.  In fact, I’ve got some news for you: If you beat it over to Bethlehem, like right now, you’re going to find this little kid sleeping in a horse trough.  Now this kid puts out some real righteous vibes.  Kind of like a guru — but he’s cool, man; he’ll never mess with anyone’s wives or kids, and he won’t make anyone drink the Kool-Aid, either.  So,” said the glowing guy, “I strongly recommend you guys to go pay a visit — and bring some nice stuff with you too.  OK?”  With that, a bunch more glowing guys showed up and they all began to whoop and holler, jump around and dance.  They they split.

The sheep-watchers sat there looking at each other.  “Uh, um.  Did anyone see what I think I saw?” asked one. “You mean the guys in the sky?” asked another, pointing up.  “Yup,” said a third. ” OK, then we ain’t nuts,” said the first.

“Well I gotta tell you, they freaked me out in a major way.  I don’t want to get sideways with guys that come and  go while floating up in the sky, so how about we drift on out and go see this kid?”

“Good idea, man,” said the second guy. “In fact, I’m gonna stop off at the gob shop and see what they got that might smell nice.”

With that, they were off.

When they got to Bethlehem, they asked around.  Some old bag pointed them to the horse barn down the street.  “Try that place,” she said.  “There a kid in there what’s been bawling it’s head off the last two nights.  Can’t get a wink of sleep,” with that, she slammed the door.  Going into the barn, our three boys caught sight of Joe wrinkling his nose as he washed out a filthy diaper.  “Yo, Joe,” said the first with a cheery voice, “We came to see the little dude.  Where is he?”  Without looking up, Joe pointed to his left where a supernal effulgence came from said horse trough.

“Gotta be him,” nodded the second as they scuttled over with their presents.  Peering into the trough, the three then looked from one to the other and in one voice said, “Cute little bugger, ain’t he?”

Outside the barn, in the darkest of night, a small star had gone nova and lit the place up like the night light on McGruder’s Smoke Shop.

Eight days later, they bobbed the kid’s dick and the rest, as they say, is history.

Well, that’s better, don’t you think?  

-Merlin-

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