A TV Show With a Flaw.

Sitting on my ass while the C-19 pestilence ravages the land, I’ve been binge-watching TV. A couple of days ago, I got on HULU and started watching a series about alien invasion always a good topic.

In this series, the aliens have infected humankind with a virus-like thing that alters the victim’s/host’s genes in the testes and ovaries by adding alien shit that causes the brain of a conceptus to grow an alien thing made of silicon and magnetite that gives the resulting child telepathic powers. This alien shit also contains the plans for a quantum computer that will interconnect telepathically with the alien shit in the brains of the chimeric children everywhere

Wel, I stopped watching. The chimera had grown up, had become ubermenchen and were at the point something bad was about to happen. Why? Because in real life, if the Bug Eyed Monsters had inserted their alien shit into our genes, the resulting children would indeed be chimeras. By popular acclaim, they would be declared non-human and promptly killed-off. Not only that, but human-kind would search for the civilization that had the cheek to pull such a stunt, and destroy it en toto.

And why not? The aliens tried to destroy humanity by inserting their alien shit. Talk about rape!


The TV show reminds me of an old story:

Thor Nordquist had been Professor of Animal Husbandry at the university’s agriculture campus for the past twenty – three years. Life, Thor felt, was getting a bit dull.

One summer afternoon, just after finals, Thor was sitting in his office schmoozing with his buddy, Jack Simmons. Jack was curator of the ape house at the new zoo down in Apple Valley.

After the general chitchat – how the kids did in school, who was shanking whose wife and whatnot – the conversation drifted to professional concerns. “I’m getting stale,” Thor said. “I’ve been doing the same old shit for too many years. To tell you the truth, like the saying says, ‘the thrill is gone.'”

“I know what you mean, old buddy. I know what you mean,” Jack replied. “I’ve started getting a lot of static from the old lady about my being stuck in the same job, collecting the same paycheck, for the past six years. The old bag figures I should be another T. Boon Pickins by now. Fat chance of that though, taking care of a bunch of monkeys.” Jack ran a hand over his crew-cut. “Where did we go wrong, huh Thor?”

Thor leaned back in his swivel chair and turned to look out the window. He began to chew on his moustache. The two men sat in silence, obviously depressed.

After a moment, though, Thor spun his chair to face Jack. “Jackie, boy? Is that female gorilla of yours’ in heat?”

Jack, who had been mindlessly rubbing the back of his neck, looked up. “Old MaryBeth? Well, uh . . . Yeah, now that you mention it, she is. Why?”

“Listen, Jackie.” Thor said, leaning forward. “I’ve had this idea about inter-species breeding that I’ve been working on for, oh shit, twenty years now anyway. It’s only a theory, mind you, but a damned good one if I do say so myself. And if it pans-out, why, hell, it’ll revolutionize all of animal husbandry.” Thor’s eyes were dancing. “I mean, this is Nobel Prize stuff we are talking about, Jackie!”

“Sorry, Thor. I’m not following you, what are you. . . “

“Here’s the idea,” Thor interjected. “Just after I got back from `Nam, I developed a serum that would help two closely related species of animals interbreed. Now the old fart that used to run this joint was some kind of refried Christian, and when he found out what I was up to, he killed the whole project as being ‘an unholy abomination.'” Thor paused to sip some coffee.

“Yeah?” said Jack, a tentative smile appearing on his face.

“Yeah.” Thor was warming to his subject, “The old ass-hole forced me to sign an agreement to never resume work on the project; or that if I did, he’d can me on the spot. But now, Jackie buddy, the miserable old bastard’s dead. He kicked the bucket last May.” Thor sat back in his chair again. Jack could almost see the wheels spinning in Thor’s head.

“Jackie, If you’ll let me inject that gorilla with my juice, we can try mating her with a human. I shit you not; if my earlier research was correct, you and I are going to be the fathers of the most bodacious bunch of janitors and gas station attendants the world has ever seen!”

Jack was becoming caught up in the whole idea too and pressed Thor for the details. Clearly, Nordquist was on to something big. Jack soon committed himself to helping his friend – he had only one concern left: “Now this shit of yours, Thor, it wouldn’t hurt old MaryBeth, will it? I mean if that old monkey croaks on us and the zoo finds out what we’ve been doing, they’ll hang my ass . . . Hell, they’ll hang us both.”

After some more explanations from Thor, Jack was convinced not only that his gorilla was safe, but that the whole mad idea could work.

Three nights later, after he was sure all the help had gone home, Jack and Thor stole into the ape house and gave MaryBeth a freshly brewed dose of serum.

The following day, the two men turned their attention to finding a suitable stud. “Thor, I think what we need is a devolute; a guy that looks like MaryBeth — you know the kind: sloping forehead, strong back, weak mind, lots of hair. Someone who isn’t a Finn.

“Right, Jackie. I’ve had the same idea myself.” Thor then produced an envelope containing $1,000 cash to use (as he put it) “for the stud fee.” Thor suggested they go looking for their man up on North Hennepin Avenue, a street running right down the middle of the city’s low-income district.

Luck was with then, by noon they had their man. They spotted him shambling around in a seedy used car lot.

The fellow looked like he walked right out of the Olduvai gorge: his head came to a sharp crest running front-to-back; a head far too small for the body. The man’s long, meaty arms swung loosely from broad, hairy shoulders. The little stumpy legs were churning furiously to keep the top-heavy bulk upright. The small beady eyes, embedded beneath shaggy and jutting brows, were contemplating an old shit– brindle hardtop.

The two men sat in Jack’s car and watched.

The man soon left the car lot and went loping up the street. Jack put the car in gear and crept along behind so they could better evaluate his ape-ness. After going a block or so, Thor and Jack looked at each other and nodded in silent agreement. Jack goosed the throttle, then pulled to the curb, abreast of their target. “Go to it, Thor,” Jack said as he put the car in a park.

Jack tooted the horn. Thor rolled down the window and addressed the ape/man: “Sir? Excuse me? Ah, sir? SIR?” Thor’s entreaties eventually got the man’s attention and he stopped his sideways, lopping walk. He turned his little head toward the car at his side and stared in the window at Thor.

His face was without any expression of comprehension or interest. His projecting jaw hung slackly. “Perfect.” Thor said to himself as he got out of the car, “This guy is perfect.”

Half an hour and $300 later, the three men were on their way to the zoo. The ape-man (whose name turned out to be one Washington J. Smith; or “Washie,” as he was known to his friends) was in bad need of new car; his old one had thrown a connecting rod in a drag race on Lake Street night before. The three hundred bucks Thor offered would make a nice down stroke for the red Caddie Eldo Washie had seen in another car lot a few blocks back. It had stolen his heart immediately, but the price the lot manager was asking, well …

Of course, neither Thor nor Jack had been totally honest with Washie. While telling him that they needed his semen for “a remarkable scientific experiment” (as Thor had put it) they had left Washie under the misapprehension that the semen could be donated manually, i.e., by jerking-off in a test tube. In reality, though, Thor’s procedure required direct insemination through coitus, for exposing the semen to oxygen for even the briefest moment would alter its chemical composition, and render it useless.

Washie Smith, it seemed, was going to have to do a lot more than he’d bargained for in order to get his hairy paws on the red Cadillac.

And as to just what it was, Thor was abundantly clear once the three men were back at the Ape House. Washie didn’t take it very well: “Oh, jezzus, Washie, I am sorry” Thor said through crocodile tears. “I thought Mr. Simmons and I made it clear that you would have to actually mount MaryBeth and that . . . “

“NO!”, Smith wailed. “NO! N-fuckin-O, NO! I`ze ain’t gonna fuck no monkey. No way, man. I doan need the three hunrit bucks that bad. No siree.”

“Now be reasonable, Washie,” Jack said. “Professor Nordquist is doing vital research here that will benefit all humanity. He needs your help desperately. Please, Washie, recon … “

“NO!” the ape-man screeched.

Washington Smith had a wild-eyed look about him and he was pacing to-and-fro. Thor and Jack gave each other looks of exasperation. “Washie?” Thor’s voice was butter-smooth and unctuous. “Would it help if we raised your fee to, say, five hundred dollars?”

Smith’s pacing stopped and uncertainty clouded his face. “Uh . . . ” (pause) “No. I`ze cain’t do it.”

“Washie?” Jack asked. “How much is that El Dorado you want?”

“Seven hundred and ninety-five dollas” came the reply.

Jack had him now. “Good. Tell you what, if you’ll go ahead and service MaryBeth like we’ve talked about, Professor Nordquist here will pay you the whole seven ninety-five – and even throw in the title transfer fee to boot. How’s that for a deal? Now, what do you say?”

The man/ape, hung his little head: “Gawd in heaven,” he said in a quiet voice, “What a man won’t do for a lousy, stinkin, car!”

A few moments later, the two men were leading Washington Smith down the corridor in back of the cages at the ape house. They stopped at the third door. “Here we are, Washie,” Jack said and slid the cover of the peephole aside so Smith could have a look at the object of this assignation.

Smith approached cautiously. He slowly pressed his face against the iron door and squinted into the little hole.

He saw her. He gasped in horror and back-peddled away from the door. “OhmyGAWD. OhmyGAWD! Look at the size o`her. She must be more than half a ton!” Smith’s eyes were rolling in dread and terror. “She’ll kill me, man. She’ll KILL me. Ohmygawd. Ohmygawd.”

“Now, Washie,” Thor said as he patted Smith’s shoulder comfortingly, “Don’t you worry about a thing. Mr. Simmons is going to shoo her into a special little room he has all set up just for this purpose. Isn’t that right, Jackie?”

“That’s right, Washie,” Jack crooned. “A couple of my guys are going to chain her down to some eye bolts we’ve sunk into the floor. She’ll be all trussed-up and spread-eagled for you, son. She won’t be able to lay a finger on you. All you’ve got to do is … Well, you know what to do.”

Washie went back to the peephole and studied the gorilla for a few moments, trying to get comfortable with what was about to happen.

Unfortunately, while he was watching, MaryBeth yawned, exposing her yellowed, eight-inch fangs. “Ohnononono.” Washie whirled around to face the two men. “That is fuckn IT! Ize seen them there teeth. That gawd damned gorilla gonna bite my haid off ifn Ize gets anywhereze close to her. Eldo or no Eldo, I ain’t that much of a fool. Youse guys best get yourselves another chump! I`ze outta here.”

Thor and Jack grabbed onto him before he could even take a step. “Not so fast, Washie,” Thor said. “We’ve thought of that too. Jackie’s got an old leather mail sack from the Post Office; she’ll have that over her head when you go in. No way she can bite you, son. Absolutely no way.”

Finally, Smith relented.

Jack buzzed his assistants on the intercom and told them to get MaryBeth ready.

A few minutes later, the intercom buzzed back. MaryBeth was all set to go.

Smith went into the men’s locker room and took-off his cloths, then Jack led him to the breeding room. Thor followed with a towel and a bucket of warm water.

Jack shot the bolt on the iron door and swung it aside. There, spread-eagled on a tarp and chained to the four eye bolts, was MaryBeth. And true to his word, Jack had seen to it a stout leather bag was pulled over her head and cinched tight around her neck.

The gorilla’s muddy-pink vulva had been slathered with K-Y jelly and was presented for easy penetration. “She’s all yours, Washie,” Thor smiled as he handed Smith the tube of K-Y. “Take your time; MaryBeth’s not going anywhere.”

Jack said “We’ll leave you two alone for a while,” and clapped Smith on the shoulder. Thor set the bucket and towel next to a bulky limb. Then the two men went back outside.

The door clanged shut.

Washie Smith contemplated the great hairy brute that lay before him and hoped, fervently, that the red El Dorado was going to be worth it. “Best get it over with” he said to himself.

Washie began to fondle his schlong until it was sufficiently erect, then gave it a liberal coating of K-Y. He knelt quietly between the ape’s outspread thighs, lined everything up, and drove himself home. MaryBeth struggled against her shackles for a moment, then was still.

Even though gorillas are large, their genitals are small. “Like fuckin my eight-year-old niece,” he thought as he began to slowly do his work.

About three strokes into it, MaryBeth began to make whimpering sounds and thrash her head from side-to-side. Smith looked down on the massive chest and saw two dark nipples rising through the matted hair.

Washie now started giving MaryBeth the Long Strokes. Suddenly, the object of the day’s tryst gave out with a soft grunt, then ripped her right leg loose from its moorings and locked it securely around Washie’s backside.

Smith looked-up from his labors and in a small, startled voice, simply said: “Oh.”

Then Smith felt MaryBeth’s left pectoral flex and saw the muscles of the great arm knot and strain. Then he heard the eye bolt rip loose from the floor and within an instant, the hairy arm came loose and the ape wrapped it tightly around his back.

Smith looked up, eyes widening, and again exclaimed: “Oh.”

Then, with Washington Smith securely held in place, the great ape began to work her hips in quick, violent buckings.

It took some seconds, but Smith swivelled his face toward the iron door and shrieked: “Git it Off!! GIT IT OFF!! GIT IT OFF!!”

The door flew open. Thor and Jack ran into the room. Jack grabbed the arm while Thor took the leg. The men tried to tear the animal’s limbs from around Smith’s body.

Where upon Smith looked up at the two men and hissed: “No, no, you fools! The bag! A woman what can fuck like this? I gotta kiss her.”


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